Why and How to Delay Gratification as an Adult
What does credit card debt, uncomfortable conversations with your partner, and a weak retirement account all have in common?
They can all be avoided if you master the art of delayed gratification.
In my podcast, which you can listen to here, I talked about the multiple ways where we can implement delayed gratification whether it’s in spending habits, romantic life, or a fitness routine. There are areas where we can simply patiently wait for a greater reward.
However, most rewards take much more self-discipline than simply patience. We need to educate ourselves as to WHY the delayed reward is better and learn HOW to achieve the award.
A popular experiment used to see if kids were partaking in delayed gratification was the Marshmallow Test. A marshmallow would be placed on a child’s plate, and an adult would explain to the child that he/she could either eat the marshmallow now or wait until the adult comes back. If the child ate the marshmallow before the adult came back, he/she would not get another marshmallow. If the child had not eaten the marshmallow then they would be given an additional marshmallow.
Cute. But in the real world, there is no adult on the other side telling us that we will be rewarded for simply sitting there. Waiting is the easy part, even kids can do that. We’re adults, and we need to apply ourselves to reap benefits.
Exhibit A:
It was 6 pm when I reached the end of a strenuous hike. My legs felt like jelly, my face resembled a tomato, and I was ready to plop my sweaty self on the bench to enjoy the view of the upcoming sunset. I patiently waited for the sky’s hues to melt into gently fluffed cotton candy with slim streaks of violet. I gasped as those colors gradually transformed into darker tones of blood orange and magenta. My time of admiration for nature’s beauty was interrupted by the sound of fallen tree branches cracking under the pressure of the tires of a grey hummer truck. A younger couple left the car for the same sunset view. The two quickly took one glance at the sky, then at each other, and shortly made their way back to their vehicle unenthusiastically. I thought to myself, “How could someone leave such a magnificent view? It’s obvious they drove here just to see the sunset. Why did they stay for such a short time?”
There are many possible reasons why this couple did not stay for the view. Perhaps they aren’t sky people like me, who look at the sky so often that driving during sunset is a definite hazard. Maybe their friends overhyped the view so much so that they were going with unrealistic expectations. But the answer I always go back to is they didn’t work for the view.
When we work for something, we tend to appreciate it more. That’s why spoiled kids don’t know the value of a dollar or why an A in a bullshit arts class is not as satisfying as an A in contract law. And that is why the couple didn’t cherish the sky the same way. It’s because they likely drove for 15 minutes to reach the same view that took me five times longer and a healthy amount of physical exercise.
On the surface, it may seem like me and the couple reaped the same reward and I just worked harder not smarter… but I got in my daily dose of exercise, released a nice amount of endorphins, AND got the view. My reward was much larger than my counterpart’s because I delayed the immediate temptation of driving my Honda Accord into a heavily trafficked trail and pushed myself to work.
I practiced delayed gratification not just by waiting patiently but by recognizing my weaknesses -exercise- and forcing myself to continue on.
It’s not to say that waiting isn’t an important part of delayed gratification but, in order to succeed, we need to fully understand why we want to work and wait and how we are going to get there by working and waiting.
Some “whys'“ are obvious. We want to exercise and wait on that milkshake to get our dream body. We want to save money and wait on that impulse buy to have a savings account. And, once you have a solid reason why you’re followed by the how.
But there is an important distinction to make when discussing “whys.” Because I am not talking about why you want that dream body but rather why you want to run at 5 am. Why you want to limit visits to your favorite taco truck. Why you want to do 10 pushups every night before going to bed. I am not asking you why you want something. I am asking why are you doing all these new habits? Your whys need to be specific and require work. They should not be a dream but the work required to get there.
Get it? The why’s are also the how’s.
That’s the beauty of delayed gratification. Once you are so focused and honed in on your goal, you will find a way.
When The “Why” Is Not Obvious
Some “whys” are not as obvious, however, and that’s when the “how” is nowhere to be seen. That’s when the flimsy New Year’s resolution is down the drain by March. That’s when our dream careers seem insurmountable. That’s when we feel defeated and retreat back to the taco truck. We need a very, very solid “why the new habits?” to reach our long term goals.
In my podcast, I briefly mentioned why few follow abstinence until marriage. In short, the church and sex education organizations are TERRIBLE marketers. In the church, we are told: “Do this because He said so.” We are the children being directed to a lifestyle because we are told it’s the right thing to do. In middle school, we were provided a 30 min lecture delivered by a squirmish school nurse that didn’t dare dive into the big scary facts because she didn’t want to be there as much as we didn’t want to be there.
As humans, we are enticed by immediate gratification. We need more than an authoritative language that attempts to scare us into submission. We need more than a timid nurse pointing to a whiteboard. We need facts.
If every school nurse gathered the class around a slideshow depicting all possible STD’s, I’m sure the percentage of those STDs would plummet.
If the Church focused less on scare tactics and more on sharing stories of the beauty of keeping intimacy between a husband and his partner, then I believe more people would be inspired to pursue this way of life.
How to Decide If We Want the Why
Sometimes, in order to know what we want in the future, we need to do our own research in the present. It’s clear as day that we all want a better body or that we want to be wealthy. But not all our future endeavors are that obvious. I find that the more educated I am on a topic, specifically one that can benefit my future, the more determined I am to work to achieve it. We are scared of what we don’t know and tend to abscond from things we don’t understand. But, if we take the time to learn about new topics, we may find out they aren’t as scary as we thought.
An example for me is investing. I knew I had to start learning how to invest so I could retire before I turn 90, but I didn’t know how. And because I wasn’t knowledgable on the topics, I stayed as far away from it as possible. However, one article on nerdwallet.com had me signing up for a RothIRA ASAP. Once I had a clear understanding of the benefits of a long term goal like investing, I began to take it seriously immediately. The how traveled alongside the why.
And that’s why few are abstinent. Churches and weak sex ed don’t inform us about the benefits. They don’t give us a reason to find a why and in return a how. Rather, we’re left to be tempted by immediate gratification.
That’s why so many fail on their fitness goals, because the foundation is based on the dream and not the work required to get there. They fall short, crash and burn, and take up fad diets and scam teas because they didn’t truly find the “why". They just found a want.
After educating myself on investments, I’m no longer persuaded by an impulsive shopping spree. The instant gratification of purchasing a bunch of clothes pales in comparison to the possibility of becoming a millionaire by 55.
Working and waiting work hand in hand —say that three times fast— but the true key to getting started on that long term goal is knowledge.
The saying “ignorance is bliss” is impeccably accurate when it comes to delayed gratification.
If you don’t know what will improve your life, you never will.
That is why it is crucial to read and ask questions. You never know what you will want, until you realize what’s out there.
